How to Dissect a Frog
by Cloudy Head
Summary: Whoever said frogs can't fly was right, but this story proves that thats not true for thier insides! Featuring my own Kyp (Devil Boy) and Luc (Brad Pitt with a monkey tail)! Please R/R! This is for you Pegasus!


**How to Dissect a Frog**

**By Cloudy Head**

_Author's Note: YES! I FINALLY FINSHED THIS!After many long class periods (mainly World Civ. BORING!) this story is finally finished! This comes after I did the infamous dissecting a frog lab in Biology earlier this year. I thank you all who gave me ideas, most of them were really good, but I came up with a joke about the frog, which you'll have to read to find out! Anyway, swim season is over (Go Cougars!) so I'll be writing more so look for my new story, Six Months in Hiding. _

_I don't own Harry Potter, who I do believe is owned by JK Rowling and Scholastic. I do own Kyp and Luc and the story. _

It was quiet on the grounds of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry early one morning as a slight fog lifted from the Quidditch field. Seven people in damp scarlet robes wandered up to the school from the field, all with broomsticks in hand. It had been another early practice for the Gryffindor Quidditch team and they were ready for a good breakfast in the Great Hall. 

Harry Potter, the team's seeker, entered the Great Hall and sat down hard next to his best friend Ron Weasley at the Gryffindor table. Immediately, he began heaping food onto his plate and it wasn't until it was full of toast and scrambled eggs that Harry noticed Hermione wasn't there. 

Before he could ask, the mail came and Hedwig landed in front of him, dropping an envelope on Harry's plate.

Beside him, Ron opened a package he had received from home. "Hey Harry, check it out! Chocolate frogs, tons of them!" He picked up a note that had come with the goodies and read it aloud. 

Dear Ron,

Here's some treats for the 100 you received on your potions test. I thought you could use a reward. Remember to share with your brothers and Harry. Hope your well!

Love you always,

Mum

Ron pulled out two frogs and handed one to Harry. "Here, take one Harry!"

"Thanks Ron.' Harry placed the frog next to his plate and picked up the letter Hedwig had delivered. "Hey look! It's a letter from Snuffles!" Harry tore open the letter and Ron read over his shoulder. 

The letter basically stated that Sirius would be nearby and alert if Harry needed him again. He was on the look out for activity that would cause any danger to Harry or the school. He wished Harry well and ended with how he would stay in contact. 

As the two boys finished reading, Hermione finally put in an appearance at the breakfast table. She was dressed rather oddly with her hair tied back under a shower cap, a bright yellow rain coat and red rubber gloves pulled up to her elbows. She sat down next to Ron and started nibbling on a piece of toast. 

Ron and Harry exchanged amused glances as Ron turned to Hermione. "What no good morning?" he asked, trying to hold back a laugh.

Hermione only glared at him. "How can you be so cheerful? Don't you know what Professor Snape is going to make us do today?"

Ron's face went blank and Harry only shrugged. "Tell us Hermione. What's that slimy rat of a teacher going to make us do that would make you dress like that? " Harry gestured at her unusual get up.

Hermione looked very distressed. "We're going to do one of the worst lesson that any teacher, no matter how foul, has ever thought up…dissecting a frog."

The two boys tried very hard to their laughter, but found it to difficult. Ron was the first to recover, as Harry was trying not to snort scrambled eggs out his nose. "Hermy, you sound as if it were the end of the world! It's a just a frog! There are hundreds, thousands, probably millions of them in this world, it's not like cutting up a few is going to hurt."

Now it was Hermione's face that went blank. "You…you cruel, heartless bastard! How can you bear cut up a little innocent creature!?" She jabbed her finger into Ron's chest, murder in her eyes. "How would YOU like it if someone cut you up just so they could study your insides?"

Ron bit his lip, holding back more laughter. Hermione continued to glare at him. Ron started to feel uncomfortable and began to squirm in his seat, wanting to get away from Hermione's glare. Harry noticed his friend's distress and came to his rescue. 

"Speaking of potions class, I had better change out of these damp robes so I don't catch cold down in those dank dungeons." Harry stood and placing his chocolate frog in his pocket, headed for the door.

"I'm coming too!" said Ron as he jumped up and followed Harry to the door.

Ron and Harry made their way down to the dungeon for the last and most dreaded class of the day- double potions with the Slytherins. Dumping their books and supplies on the table, the two boy sat down with Neville, Seamus and Dean Thomas. 

Neither Ron nor Harry had seen Hermione in her strange getup as they had walked into the dungeon-turned-classroom. She ran in just before Snape came in. He counted Lavender Brown late but let Draco Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson amble in 5 minutes after class had started. 

"Alright class, please sit down and hush up!" Snape eyed the Gryffindors, almost asking for them to make a noise and an excuse to take points away from Gryffindor. Harry sat on his hands and Ron tired with all his might not to sneeze.

Satisfied with the still silence, Snape continued. "Now would you all please separate by house,

Then gender and seat yourselves around the tables." With his long white hands, he indicated four tables. They sat down with their stuff and waited for the next set of instructions. 

Snape cleared his throat and glared at the Gryffindor boys before continuing. "As you may remember, last class we fed four frogs kangaroo's feathers, which when given to humans will cure warts in the intestines. Well today, you are going to dissect those frogs and see what happened." A gasp was heard from the girls and some of the boys squirmed. Hermione looked like she was going to throw up. Snape only smiled. 

"I've had my helpers place enlarging spells on the frogs so their insides will be easy to observe. And I will not allow anyone to leave. A diagram of each organ and its functions are due next class and I don't have any extra frogs so no fooling around." 

Harry cringed at the thought of Snape's helpers more then the frogs, _Probably older Slytherins. Oh great, will this get any worse? _

"Hey Professor, you want us to bring these in or what?" called a familiar voice as two red heads stuck their freckled faces through the door. 

Harry and Ron turned to see Fred and George carrying two 3-foot long frogs between them. Ron leaned over and whispered in Harry's ear. "Maybe this won't be so bad…"

But as he said this, two more older boys entered the room from the opposite door as the twins. The handsome one with ear length brown hair, silver eyes and a black glove on one hand Harry recognized Cho Chang's fellow Ravenclaw Kyp Rillian. The blond haired, blue-eyed boy with a monkey tail next to him, Harry assumed, was another of Cho's friends, Luc Sullivan. These two stopped and stared at the twins who stared back. Loathing shown in the older boys eyes as they continued to stare at each other. Ron groaned. 

"Oh no…it's the two pairs of jokesters. They've been having a major joke war ever since Kyp and Luc transferred from an American school a year ago." 

"What are they doing here?" snarled Fred in contempt. 

"Us?" answered Luc. "Shouldn't you be in some special ED class to make up your OWL scores?" He and Kyp shared a smirk. 

"Hey at least we're all human. Not half devil or monkey like you two!" George shot back.

"Yes, but the girls don't seem to go for the all humans do they, George?" Kyp laughed at the look on George's face. 

Snape raised an eyebrow. "Be quiet, all four of you! The only reason your here is because you were the only ones I could get out of class. I must say I'm not happy about having the detention club here either but it was that or doing this myself and that would not have been pretty." All four of the older boys had been in detention multiple times because of jokes and such, and the teachers had started to call them the detention club.

Now, Snape started handing out directions. "One helper per table please!" He stopped Fred and George from going toward the Gryffindor tables. "Oh no…you two are going to help the Slytherins. Fred, would please help the ladies and George, the gentleman?" His smile threatened to creep off his face as he watched the reactions on the Weasley twins' faces. "And now, would you, Mr. Rillian, go help the Gryffindor girls?" A cheer was heard as Kyp walked over to his assigned table. Although he had a girl friend, Kyp was very popular with the lady crowd of Hogwarts. 

Before Snape could say anything, Luc threw the frog up in the air, did a back flip towards the Gryffindor boy's table and caught it before it hit the floor. Both table of Gryffindors cheered him on. "I guess I go here then, right Professor?' Snape only glared at him then turned back to the rest of the class. 

"Now class, these boys will dissect the frog and you will observe and draw accurate diagrams of each organ and then look up it's function. " Then he let the class get started.

The class passed and the boys were almost done. Luc had even promised to help them with the functions if they could make it up to the HufflePuff common room later that night. Snape was in his office, leaving the class work to the elder boys, The Gryffindor boys were finishing up as Luc was explain to Neville the difference between the liver and gall bladder. Suddenly, something gray and slimy wrapped it self around Luc's neck and he was jerked backwards. Ron and Harry looked over to see Fred and George on the other end. 

"Kyp!" Luc choked out, causing his friend to look over from the girls who had been flirting with him all class. Kyp immediately grabbed the first thing that came to hand, a frog brain, and chucked it at the Weasley twins. The heart splattered all over Fred and he let go of the intestine to wipe it out of his eyes. 

"Get him!" Fred yelled and the two red heads charged Kyp, leaving Luc to the Slytherin boys, who continued to tie him up with the remaining small intestine.

As the frog guts started flying, the girls from both houses erupted into fits of screaming and ducked under the tables. George snuck up behind Kyp, dropping a liver down his pants. Kyp responded by hitting him over the head with a stomach. Undigested food went flying and some of it hit Hermy, who fainted dead away into Lavender's arms. 

Figuring Kyp was kind of busy, Harry decided to take it upon himself to save Luc and his grade. "Come on Ron! Let's rescue Luc!" Ron nodded and looked around for ammunition. Smiling, he picked up some of the yellow fat bodies that had been getting in the way while they were dissecting. 

"Here Harry!" He tossed Harry some and they started throwing them at the Slytherins, advancing slowly.The Slytherins responded with an attack of their own, using the large intestine to sling shot pieces of skin at the invading Gryffindors. Luc meanwhile continued to struggle to get out of his bonds.

"Here's some fat for you Slytherins, not that you need any more!"

"You Gryffindors need a face lift. Here, you can use the frog's skin!"

"I think you should keep it!" 

"Duck Fred!"

"Hey! Don't throw that bladder at me! Throw it a Kyp!"

"I told you to duck!"

"Here's a lung for both of you!" 

"Here Draco, have a heart!" Harry finally got close enough and shoved a frog heart in Draco's face as if it were a cream pie. Draco sputtered.

"Get him!" Crabb and Goyle started beating Harry with gall bladders the size of baseball bats. Ron took the opportunity and crawled over to Luc, avoiding the fat bodies that the other Gryffindors and Slytherins were launching at each other. On the way, Ron had to chase away some Slytherins who were trying to tie a knot in Luc's tail, but a well-placed frog. After being untied, Luc grabbed the kidneys out of the nearest frog and shoved them in the faces of the closet two Slytherins. Ron bent over laughing as the two boys screamed like girls. 

Wiping his hands, Luc smiled. "That's for tying me up!" He ducked as one of the two receivers of the kidneys launched a tongue at him, the projectile hitting Ron. Ron looked up blankly, which caused Luc to bend over laughing, his tail twitching about. 

A silence fell over the rest of the room as Luc continued to laugh. Noticing the eerie silence, Luc took a deep breath to look up and see Snape glaring at him. The monkey boy immediately shut up and stared bashfully back at the teacher, tail dropping to the floor. 

Snape looked around the room down his long nose. Intestines were hanging from the ceiling and skin was plastered against the walls. Frog's heart was dripping from Draco's hair, staining it a murky red. Fred has his hands around Kyp's neck, while Kyp was sitting on George, who was lying on the floor. 

Draco immediately came forward and started "explaining" what happened. "You see Professor, Luc here was making fun of us so of course we had to get even. The Weasleys were too busy with Rillian over there so we took it upon ourselves to do the right thing. But Potter here started pelting us with fat bodies..."

Harry jumped in. "That's not true at all! In fact it was Fred and George who started the whole thing and....' The boys started yelling at each, each with a totally different version of why the dungeon was now decorated with frog insides.

"ENOUGH!" cried Snape, pulling the two boys apart. 'I don't care WHAT happened but here's what I'm going to do." He stopped and glared at the four older boys who shrunk back a bit. "You four will clean up this mess and then report to detention for the rest of the week!" The boys rolled their eyes. Then Snape turned his attention to the Gryffindors. "100 points from Gryffindor for this. Now class dismissed and your diagrams are still due!" A huge groan went up from the class.

Harry was red with anger. "But Professor, the Slytherins were in on the whole thing too! Why are you only taking points fro us?"

Snape turned on Harry, eyes glaring right through Harry's forehead. Harry only looked him in the eyes and stared back stubbornly. "Make that 200 points from Gryffindor, thanks to you Potter. Now get out of my sight!" He snapped his head around. "You four had better get marching to Mr. Filch office for cleaning supplies if you still want to make dinner." With a groan, the two Gryffindors, the Ravenclaw and the HufflePuff made their way out of the dungeon and toward the office of the housekeeper of Hogwarts. 

Ron tapped Harry on the shoulder. "Come on!" He pointed to where Lavender and the other girls were trying to revive Hermione. "I got Dean, Seamus and Neville to take our stuff back up to our dorm. Let's get her to the hospital wing." 

Harry nodded and followed Ron over to help their friend.

The dorm was dark and silent when Harry arrived. He hadn't except any on to be there anyway. Ron and the others were still in the common room, telling about the frog fight to anyone who will listen. Hermione hadn't come to dinner, so Harry assumed she was still in the hospital wing. _I'll visit her tomorrow,_ he thought. _I'm tired and I gotta another early Quidditch practice in the morning. _

Harry stepped into the bathroom, taking a shower. It took him a long time to get all the frog guts out of his hair but finally, with a towel wrapped around his waist. Harry got into his pajamas and took off his glasses. As he set them down on his nightstand, his hand bumped into something. Putting his glasses back on to investigate.

Sitting on his nightstand, was the chocolate frog Ron had given him earlier. The low light made it look like an actual frog and before his brain could tell his stomach the difference, he was off to the bathroom, a hand holding back the contents of his stomach until he reached the toilet. 

_Please R/R and give me ideas for my next short story. I LOVE writing humor so if you wanna give me a challenge, please do! Thanks a lot and I hope you enjoyed! That's what's writings for anyway!_

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_--Cloudy Head_

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